No, but seriously
Name: Cooper Green
You must be this tall to read the Lying Bastard. Cannot be combined with other offers.
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If you are one of the carriers of this story virus (i.e. you have been tagged and choose to contribute to it), you will have one responsibility, in addition to contributing your own piece of the story: you will have to tag at least one person that continues your story thread. So, say you tag five people. If four people decide to not participate, it's okay, as long as the fifth one does. And if all five participate, well that's five interesting threads the story spins off into.
So, here goes:
I woke up hungry. I pulled my bedroom curtain to the side and looked out on a hazy morning. I dragged myself into the kitchen, in search of something to eat. I reached for a jar of applesauce sitting next to the sink, and found it very cold to the touch. I opened the jar and realized it was frozen. (Splotchy)
My first idea was to put the applesauce in the microwave. Hey, I was still tired. Could I scoop some out and put whipped cream on it? No, too solid. Why was it so damn cold in here? I walked over to the thermostat and saw that the heat hadn't clicked on all night and the temperature had dropped substantially overnight. Now, tired and hungry, I opened the access panel on the heater. There's the problem: why was someone cooking a duck in here? (SamuraiFrog)
I bent down and scooped up the uncooked duck carcass. There was no way I was going to let it go to waste, especially considering I had applesauce on hand. I placed it in a roasting pot and went back to reset the heater. As I continued to wake up, I realized that my roommate had spent the night at his girlfriend's place and couldn't have put the duck there. "How the hell did it get there?" I wondered. Just then, an already odd situation became even stranger. The lifeless duck animated, flapped its featherless wings, and began to speak. (Some Guy)
I had a choice to make: do I go along with this impossibly reincarnated duck drama that's unfolding before me, or do I phone Dr. Leary and get my prescription changed? Feeling more comfortable believing the Chemical Dementia theory, I pressed Dr. L's speed dial button. That's when I noticed that the duck was wearing my watch. And he had a knife. And he was telling me to lie on the floor. (Cooper Green)
I tag:
Yoshick
Pooklekufr
Neutron Norman
Mad Mad Housewife
Stepping
Maybe I'm just imagining things ...
But I could swear that this photo ...
... was my idea. I invented ImplanTunes back in July, and now some imposter is making money hand over fist from my brilliance.
At least I hope he is, because it really was brilliant.
Here's a Truth
(bolded for its relative rarity) that occurred to me as I was going through some of my really old posts ... prior to at least one of the "I Quit" decisions. It will probably be of interest to some of the really wrinkly Mo'timers and no one else.
Remember Thatcher Green? The guy who claimed to be my son, and I treated him like shit? He really is my son. Those posts came right out of the blue. He's a good guy, and he's as funny as he seems to be.
Love you, Thatch.
Tag #2
This tag comes from Chris at Some Guy's Blog.
The Rules:
It's all about fours.
Four Jobs I've Had (or currently have) In My Life:
1. Radio Sales Guy, 1976-1986 - I Herb Tarlicked myself for ten years, and I have to say that even though my temperament is completely unsuited to commission sales, they were ten of the best years I've had in my working life. We were a tight group, the 6-8 of us, and we prided ourselves on being the best at what we did.
2. Movie Theatre Manager, early 70's - How many times have I seen Woodstock? 30-40, I'd guess. How many times have I personally cleaned up a huge lake of puke on the rug outside the washroom between two sold-out matinee performances of The Aristocats? Once. One horrifying time.
3. Lot Boy, Dueck Chev Olds, mid-60's - First job I ever had. I got to drive brand new Corvettes and Cutlasses from one lot to another. I'm sure everyone I saw on the street was certain I owned them.
4. Planer Chain Sawmill Worker, mid 60's - a summer job that I really loved. Ten weeks was just about enough because it was going to get tedious after that, but my job was to haul planed lumber off a conveyor belt and stack it for shipment. There were a bunch of young guys my age on the chain. We worked our butts off for great wages, and then went to the pub just about every night. The mill was on Lake Cowichan, a beautiful spot on Vancouver Island, and we swam on our days off. I've never been in better shape.
Four countries I have been to:
1. USA
2. Mexico
3. Did I mention USA? We're talking 14 unique and different states.
4. Borneo, Guam, Myanmar, Latvia, Gibraltar ... yeah, right. The truth is, I've never been outside North America. Neither has my wife. There is no particular reason for this that I can be sure of, outside of lacking the motivation to make it happen, or having enough interest to be someplace else for a while. However, if I had known that at some point early in the 21st century I would be tagged and asked to name four foreign countries that I had visited, I would taken my ass to Tibet in a heartbeat.
Four places I'd rather be right now:
1. Good question. Borneo, Guam, Myanmar, Latvia, Gibraltar ...
2. On my deck.
3. Cooper's Green.
4. As my retirement gift to ourselves, my wife and I will be spending several weeks in New Zealand while Southwest BC plays host to the Winter Olympics in 2010. I really don't want to contemplate those crowds, and since she has family there New Zealand seems like a great place, and February 2010 a great time, for us to lose our intercontinental virginity.
Four foods I like to eat:
1. My wife makes back ribs with the best sauce I've ever tasted. With rice drowned in sauce, and with salad and a beer, life is good.
2. Speaking of salads, she makes spectacular Tebouleh and Orzo salads as well. Usually with chicken or pork tenderloin. Very nice.
3. Barbecued steak (medium rare strip loin), baked potato (butter and sour cream), and Caesar salad. Yes.
4. Peanuts in the shell.
Four personal heroes, past or present (or future):
Hero worship doesn't take up much of my day, but here are some people I admire:
1. Mom
2. Gampy
3. Kurt Vonnegut
4. Len Norris
Four books I've just read or am currently reading:
1. Absurdistan - Gary Shteyngart . I give it 8/10, if you like satire and grossly comedic characters. I'm halfway through, enjoying it very much.
2. The Investment Zoo - Stephen Jarislowsky. Canadian investment advice. To the point, and very sound advice.
3. Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides. It's always a pleasure to read brilliant writing, and this man certainly has the gift.
4. Life And Times Of The Thunderbolt Kid - Bill Bryson. If you haven't read Bill Bryson, you have missed one of life's great pleasures. Very evocative, very warm, and describing a childhood that was surprisingly similar to my own.
Four people I hope will reveal a little more about themselves by composing their own answers to these questions:
1. Rustymadgal
2. Mafidl
3. Howard
4. PSMartin
There now, see what can happen when you drop by a really good blog and make yourself right at home?
Thank you, Doc.
Gampy.
Sorry, Howard, but I've pre-empted your Dad with a photo of my Grandfather (age 23), taken in 1915 at the Wright Bros. Flying School in Dayton, Ohio:
What a guy!
Howard's Dad.
You know this man:
I have been using this tiny little picture as my avatar for several weeks now. You might recall that Howard posted this one, and several others, in the Comments section of my Mo'Time Avatar Garden Shoppe post about a month ago(Howard is Mo'Time's Gatekeeper, if you're not from these parts) . He made them available to anyone who wanted to use them, and this one really appealed to me.
Well. Does Howard know how to surprise a guy, or what? He sent me an e-mail yesterday:
Now I'm torn. I don't mind parading around as someone who has all the flair and style that I so pathetically lack, as long as I don't have a clue who it is. But I can't keep pretending to be Howard's Dad. How weird is that?
So, I guess I'll be on the lookout for a new avatar, someone who's equally cool and dashing as Howard's Dad, but is completely anonymous. Preferably someone who is no longer vertical and has no living relatives. Stay tuned.
This time, I really mean it.
Yes, I am a liar. Yes, I have said so publicly, and yes my Real Blog, the Big One, is titled Cooper Green: Lying Bastard, and yes yes yes yes yes ...
... But this time I'm telling the truth. Trust me. I'm even using a different font. This is The Official Repository Of Cooper Green's Honesty. I get all twitchy when I tell the truth, but sometimes the lawyers insist on it, and so everything you see here, from this point forward, is the truth.
Now get lost.
